Greeting Cards
I need a card. Well, actually I need two cards now. You see my father, who I haven't spoken to since my grandmother died, and the only reason I spoke to him then was because my aunt gave me the look that said, "Child, you better take that phone and pretend like you like it, or I am cutting off your fried chicken supply."
As a few of you know, my father and I have trouble seeing eye-to-eye. And no, this is not just because I am 4'11 and 3/4" inches tall. He drinks and never visits, small, irritating things like that. So anyway, my aunt told me that she had recently spoken with my father and he was a little upset that I hadn't sent him a Fathers Day card. And I had to tell her that it wasn't my fault, really. It was Hallmarks. You see people, what we have is an inadequate greeting card industry. Yes, you may think that just because places like Target, Hallmark, CVS, and others, have numerous isles of cards for every occasion, they do not. They blind you with the smiling faces of children and balloons on cards telling you Happy Birthday, or With Sympathy, or Keep you Head Up, and Congratulations on your Baby, House, Car, Liposuction. But not one of those stores, not one, have the appropriate card for me. And now with my fathers birthday approaching, I have yet another dilemma. So I ask for your help. Please, please find a card that reads something like this.
To My Father, The Man Who Has Taught Me So Much Through The Years
Here's a hats off to you for all the child support money you spent on beer.
-From this I learned money management, and the importance of saving for what you want.
To all the phone conversations that involved you using some sort or profanity towards me.
- From this I learned self expression, and gained an ability to make off-shoremen and sailors squirm in their seats.
For the times you forgot birthdays.
-From this I gained 15 pounds, from seeing the importance of eating cake everyday, because surely someone is having a birthday somewhere .
Its a simple request, and it points out the good things I have gained from our relationship, right. So onward, people, go find my card.
5 comments:
I know that part of you is joking and part of you is serious...but that post is f*cking hilarious. So he's "a little" upset with you? Well, isn't that just typical. They are always thinking about themselves! All joking aside, people are always saying that women marry men that are like their fathers, and sister, you are living proof that this is false!!!!!!
Summer, thats a really funny blog, and you know that I can relate to that, being that mom never received child support from my wonderful father either. I'm glad that I can finally read this from my computer at HOME, rather than getting it in a letter in the Oklahoma County Holiday Inn.
-Nate
Alright Summer, I love you, officially. Chad and I both took shit from our parents for not sending Mother's/Father's day cards. Since they send $15.00-$20.00 per special occassion, I find it unfair that they ask me to spend $3.00-$4.00 on an effing card. Chad's mom gave him MAJOR guilt as well. Let's start our own card company called "here's your effing card, not shut your effing mouth!"
Here's what the first one to my mom says:
Roses are red,
The grass is green,
Thanks for the way you raised me,
I have no self esteem.
Awesome post, Summer! BTW, Nathan, glad to see you home- for God's sake, take care to stay there. 'Nuf said. Back to your Dad, Summer- what an ass! I'm guessing that the male parental figures in my life were slightly offended on Father's Day, too. But, f@#k 'em all- I mean stop the madness! Why should we keep up the charade? You're an amazing person despite his lack of influence! -Camille
I think you and I should have gotten rich off of the original pilot for the "Biggest Loser". It should have been about loser dads. Of course, at this point in time your dad would surely have won, hands down. What are these father's thinking?? That just because they impregnated our mothers, perhaps pretended for various days throughout various years (never EVERY year of course), that they enjoyed our conversation or cared about our lives, they somehow believe that we should laud their attempts at being dads???!!! What the f*ck!!! So here is my proposal for your father's impending birthday. You find a blank card with whatever on front (maybe an ugly dog?) and on the inside you simply put something as follows:
Happy Fucking Birthday! (Thanks dad, you taught me how to use curse words appropriately). Please don't expect anymore cards, presents, phone calls or communication from me. You are my father and not my dad. Until you prove yourself the worth of a stamp then I will not spend the cost of a card and a stamp. (Thanks dad, you taught me frugality). There are so many life lessons that you taught me over the years, that this birthday card simply will not do. So just know that on your birthday, I will not be thinking about you, calling you or sending you a gift/card. (Which is exactly what I have gotten from you for many, many birthdays). If this card/words hurts your feelings, then consider mine for the last 30 years.
And so, that should effectively put your father in his place as to where he stands in your relationship and he'll never get his feelings hurt again for not receiving a father's day card. And though my words sound harsh, they have been well played in my head for my dear father for many, many years as well. It is only recently that we can even pretend that we have a sembblance (sp?) of a relationship. Thank god we married men who are 3000x the dads that are father's are and ever will be. I love ya' baby!! P.S. You totally rocked the other day, (you donut-bringing, house-unpacking, new-neighbor being, awesome friend!!)
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